Krath's Interview#
Preface#
This short story was written by my friend idiocy․inc, who has contributed many ideas to the world of COA including kickstarting most of the bullshit with the fourth wall. It is fully canonized and I may use some of these characters in the plot (as that's not fully written besides the first arc). I'm not going to give anymore context - connect the dots between all the random stuff on this network, have fun. Also, David Kim is a code name.
Story#
Krath sat in his study room, well dressed in a tailored suit and everything. He turned around in his rolling chair, sat twiddling his thumbs anxiously on the polished brown desk. The numerous pieces of paperwork scattered across the desk were illuminated from the neon cyan-like colour emanating from a screen hovering on the desk. Aside from the cat memes and eons of TOS agreements on the screen, a pop up window sat at the very front layer of the screen. Across the screen sprawled in English, wrote the words “You wouldn’t like to initiate the interview process?” There were four buttons on the screen, the rest in the 4th dimension, bouncing around and phasing into each other. They read yes, no, yea, nah, sure, no yeah, yeah no, yay, all of the above, none of the below, 5 random options, one month subscription to crunchyroll, and a button for activating a 3 time use prayer account for 20 bucks.
Krath furrowed his eyebrows in a slight confusion at the prompts flying across the screen. Of course, he had trained for situations like this. “I’ve used the interconnection cube before, this is no big issue.” He thought, before starting to eliminate the wrong answers. Crunchyroll was clearly a scam. He wouldn’t be paying any megachurch pastors anytime soon. Yes could be interpreted wrong, same as for no, and both yea and nah were discontinued after the 1324 incident. All of the above was clearly a conspiracy started by the Jarnu tech company, 5 random options was too uncertain, so that only left none of the below left. With a confident smirk on his face, Krath locked onto the button and gave it a press.
“User response received. We will take that as a no.” The screen replied in a cold robotic voice, as Krath set his elbow on the table, pinched his nose bridge and took a deep breath.
“Fuck.” Krath said, his smirk evaporating faster than his bank account.
Krath bought another screen, using up the last of his dwindling funds. He knew that his only escape from his dire situation was to go somewhere where his debt was abolished, and somewhere where no one had any jurisdiction over him. Taking the plunge, he opened up the screen again. He got through all the distracting pop ups and scams in the way, and got back to the screen. It was written in Spanish.
“Fuck.”
Krath overdrew his credit card, activating another screen. He had a translator with him, so that he wouldn’t get screwed over by Spanish options again. He clicked all of the above.
“Fuck.”
Krath clicked yea.
“Son of a bitch.”
Krath clicked, no, and then yes, and then no yeah, and all the options with variations of no and yes.
“Piece of sh-”
Krath failed a quicktime event before getting to the screen.
“Motherfu-”
Krath got a one month crunchyroll subscription.
“This anime sucks a-”
Krath read the fine print.
“Oh what the f- There is a…one in … 27 chance your interview will be accepted upon hitting the 5 r- sigh, shiiiiiii-”
Krath now owes more money than is currently in circulation, and then the interview finally started. Krath had a relieved, but also absolutely infuriated look on his face. His desk was practically broken in half, his room in complete disarray. A countdown timer started on the screen, starting from five and ticking down by one every second. As the display struck zero, Krath felt everything possible for a split second, before being transported into a room where he could barely fit. The walls were of a seamless chrome texture. Light seemingly coming from nowhere bounced off the walls. It was almost hard to look at, the strange arrays of light taking a toll on Krath’s sight. There was a small window, placed in a way that made the room seem like solitary confinement. On the window was a coloured pencil drawing of a meadow, with a sun and clouds and a really weird animal that Krath couldn’t make sense of.
The box made a loud whirring noise, light bleeding through the paper blocking the window. The box around him unfolded out of existence leaving behind the drawing, and opened into what looked like an interrogation room. The walls were grey, looking like they were built out of aluminum sheets. On one side of the room was a window with writing on it on the other side, reading “NTE: fix the one sided mirror, it's on the wrong side :(.” It was strange, with words being misspelled and barely intelligible through the shotty handwriting. There were also a couple of people on the other side of the window. Krath turned his attention to the woman seated down at the other side of the table, who motioned for him to sit down.
Krath took his seat. The chair was completely flat and made of metal, which was incredibly uncomfortable to sit in. The woman on the other side of the table was very clearly tired, struggling to keep his eyes open. Despite this, she was staring rather intensely at Krath. Both of them sat there for what felt like hours. Each passing second Krath was feeling more and more unease. Thankfully, the woman at the other side of the table was first to break the silence, turning around at the window before doing so.
“When do I start the interview? I have been waiting here for about 15 minutes.” The woman said in a clearly frustrated voice towards the two people in the other room.
“Wait, the guy is here already?” One of the employees said, pausing his game of chess with the other employee.
“Yes. You know when I started going here as an intern I thought I would be doing some sick ass science shit, and this is a real downgrade.” The intern said back to the people in the window.
“Hey hey hey, we told you that we can’t see through this mirror because it's on the wrong side, okay?” The other employee said.
Krath sat as the three argued about what was going on. There were a lot of insults thrown, a lot of threats of firing, and a lot of incompetency. After a little while, they were finally able to get things going.
“Alrighty, time for one of the hardest brain teasers we have ever come up with. How many parallel sides does a cube have?” The woman said, in a sort of relieved voice.
“Aha! Trick question! -4!” Krath said in an energetic voice like he had just out played the system.
“It's three.” The interviewer says in a monotone voice.
“Shit.” Krath says, before slouching back into his chair as an awkward silence struck the room.
“Moving on. Wh-” The intern says before being cut off by the speaker system.
“Hey uhh, Krath, do you know if you could find me a mate in 3 from this position? It's my turn right now.” One of the employees asked, while holding up a magnetic chessboard to the window.
“Oh uhhh, see that there horse?” Krath said, pointing vaguely in that direction.
“We can’t see through the mirror.” The employee responded through the speaker.
“Ah, right. The white one on the black square, just shank it with that bishop, and that's a discovered check. And I think you can see where this is, yknow,” Krath said, stuttering slightly at the unexpected prompt.
“Yea, the queen is in prime position. Try kicking my ass now Jared.” The employee said, pulling the chess board back and playing the moves.
“I really don’t get paid enough for this.” Said the other employee in a way that suggests this has happened before.
“Oh, yea, and intern dude. You can let the guy pass, he has my approval.”
With a disappointed look on her face, the intern raises his hand. Suddenly, a non-euclidean horror begins to manifest 2 centimeters away from her palm. The intern starts to slowly chant something, while incantations, dodecahedrons, penrose triangles and most importantly bullshit starts to gather. The shadowy form of a remote can be seen, and soon the disruption in physics and metaphysics collapses into a fully formed remote. Krath is bewildered, while the intern has an incredibly stern expression on her face. The intern then presses the button on the remote.
“Alrighty, you can go to the next room.” The intern says not looking at where the door should be.
“Where… exactly?” Krath asks
“Oh fu- did it not wo- the intern looks around her-yeah, no it didn’t. I swear I kept a fresh pack of double A’s on me, batteries not included my ass.” The intern says, fumbling around her coat pockets presumably trying to find double A batteries.
“Aha! There it fucking is. Let's go. Now how the hell do these fit? Ah. there… Really? Nothing? God, they write these symbols like madmen.” The intern said while fiddling with the battery alignment.
“I think those need to go diagonally across each other.” Krath said.
“No, of course not. They wouldn’t design this bullshit to become a parralelogr- oh wait. That kinda makes sense. Is this why I don’t get paid?” The intern says before clicking the button.
This time a door opens out of the wall, and Krath walks through it. He pauses slightly, about to say something, but disregards it as everyone in the room seems to have occupied themselves by now. The door opens to an endless open white void, with the frame repeating through it with a gleam like its bad CGI. Without further ado, Krath took a step in. Krath suddenly felt a zooming sensation, before being transported to an endless black void. The only thing he could see was the floor, a slightly gleaming plane that propagated till what seemed to be infinity. The only thing visible now was a man of tall stature in a tuxedo that was definitely of higher quality than Krath’s.
“Hello there my dear lost traveler! Welcome to the void, where your dreams die and your nightmares feed off of the corpses. I am your host, Baruch, and I will be guiding you through eternity in nothing.” The well dressed man says in a shrill game show-like voice that rips through the empty atmosphere.
“It has been a bloody TREE(3) since I met another visitor. So let me guide you through this illogical hellscape!” The man says, voice cascading through nothing like thunder as non-euclidean geometry flocks throughout the world, accompanied by epic music.
“Now, care to give an intro-” The man says while turning around. “-Oh fuck its one of you people.” He says, fingers pinching his nose bridge, clearly frustrated as the non-euclidean wonders and epic music slouched back like a sad dog.
“Is t-this, not, the interview?” Krath says as the music turns off.
“No. It isn’t. You’re in the wrong cosmology you idiot. Y’know, in my dimension, I am the coolest fucking guy, I’m like a god. I am the host of the void, which isn’t original, but it sure is fucking, cool. Do you know how catchy that song was? And how much better my suit is in comparison to yours? But god ever since you idiot whatevers started showing up I just turn into a gag character.” The man says, clearly very frustrated.
“Sorry, I guess?” Krath replies, not really sure of what to make of the situation.
“You better be. I spent an eternity making these cool non-euclidean polygon architectures for the next visitor, and now it seems lame as shit.”
“It is some pretty cool geometry.”
“I, know. So please get out, and go tell those fuckers to quit messing, with a superior, storyline.”
Baruch walked up to Krath, and slapped him so hard he got sent to another interview room. His head still moved in the way one would expect after being slapped, and he held his hand against the part of his head that made contact. This time the room seemed more friendly, with a table, rolling chair and a whiteboard on one of the walls. There was an interviewer with a buttoned up shirt that was only half tucked in next to the table, pacing around, before noticing his entrance and greeting him.
“Hey there!” He said in an enthusiastic tone.
“Greetings.” Krath said back, shaking his hand.
“Salutations my good sir-” The interviewer said, mocking him. “Anyways, you met the void edgelord guy right? The one called barbados or something.”
“Yeah, Baruch. He was pretty pissed.”
“Yes-” The interviewer said, pumping his fist. “You can take a seat, and this whole interview is sort of just a formality. No need to worry at all. First question, who is our lord and savior?”
“The concept of a cube?” Krath said, kind of expecting it.
“Hell yeah! This narrator is obsessed with those things. Can’t really express it anywhere else without it being a plot hole so, he has to make it our whole thing, which I am a-okay with. Checkmark there. Now onto question two. Who do you like?” The interviewer said, leaning in, putting more intensity into the atmosphere.
“Wh-what do you mean by like? I am literally new to the office, so I guess no one…?” Krath said, incredibly confused by the line of questioning from the interview.
“Whatever sounds believable, I’ll note that down. I like the options you're giving me for office gossip. Alrighty, moving on. What is the answer to the universe, life, narrative plane, and everything?”
“It's definitely 42.” Krath said confidently.
“Welp. That’s all I need to know, it's not like they keep me here for quality control.”
“Really? Isn’t that the purpose of an interview?” Krath said, puzzled.
“Nope. The purpose is so that I can get paid extra!” The employee said back at him like the answer should be obvious.
“Where do I go now?” Krath asked.
“Down the hall, on the door to the left that says ethics committee evaluation office.” The employee said casually while rolling around on his chair.
“You guys actually have a place for ethics.” Krath asked in a slightly surprised tone.
“Surprisingly, yes. How much do they actually do? Let me ask you a question. How many ethics committee members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” The interviewer said, no longer rolling around in his chair and pointing his pen in the direction of Krath inquisitively.
“I don’t know. One? Half a step ladder?” Krath said back.
“None! The ethics committee can’t change anything!” The employee said, laughing hysterically afterwards.
“Hahaha, well uhh, I’ll be on my way now.” Krath said, trying to laugh along with the employee before walking out the door.
As he stepped through the frame, he braced for impact, squinting his eyes. He felt nothing. As he opened his eyes, he realized that it was a normal door. Upon further inspection, he noticed that there wasn’t a door in the frame at all, and that it was in queue for another door. As he scanned the hall, it seemed to be an endless expanse with doors on both sides of the hallway. Some of the doors were open, presumably waiting for a door to become available, and he could peer through them. Through the hall he could see jail complexes, voids, warehouses, all not seeming to fit the geometry of the hallway. As he looked to the left, he found the ethics committee evaluation office. As Krath put his hand on the knob the door disappeared, queuing for another one. In the office there was a roundtable with a woman sitting there.
“Hello there Krath, take a seat.” The woman said in an ominous voice, as the roundtable was dimly lit.
“Right.” Krath said as he pulled out the chair and sat on it.
“So you don’t have a last name? It's fine. The narrator writing this hardly gave me a first name. However, that is besides the point. Do you know how much outreach this committee has?”
“Not to be disrespectful, but given the work conditions, I would assume none.” Krath replied, trying not to come off as disrespectful.
“That is what most people think, there are also a lot of jokes about it. How many ethics committee members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
“None? I'm guessing the punchline is that the ethics committee can’t change anything.”
“The guy with the half tucked in shirt told you that one already now didn’t he?”
“He definitely did.”
“Right. Anyways, we do a lot of work to give the impression that we are useless here. However, we are the secret power in this company. You see, our outreach is secretle-” The woman said until the lights turned on. “-God did you turn on the lights? I was trying to be all mysterious and cool okay. We almost had him too, weren’t you the one who wanted someone else to play UNO with us?”
“Look here, unnamed friend, if it wasn’t the lights that broke the vibe it would have been my unending laughter. Seeing you trying to convince that intern that we actually do things in here while blatantly copying the ethics committee orientation from the SCP wiki is just sad.” Another woman said, presumably the one who turned on the lights.
“Wait, what do you guys actually do?” Krath said, more confused now.
“We just get to see whatever projects are happening in our branch and approve them. Last time, we approved for someone who vaporized a dimension to find his missing sock. Billions dead, likely including the sock because he never found it.” The woman sat at the table said.
“Okay. How do I pass this interview, because right now that is really all I care about.”
“You don’t really do anything. We’ve been scanning your brain and we’re gonna watch a movie of it together and judge your life decisions for like, ethics and all that. In fact we already have. That's what the weird box you were put in was for. How did you manage to go broke buying stocks?” The woman at the counter grabbing a cereal box said.
“Hey, I was buying at the dip okay. Also don’t judge my financial abilities.” Krath said in an aggressively defensive manner.
“Riiiiiight. Anyways, the least ethical thing you did was having a major labour complex in your basement, but we have 3 next door so I don’t see how that’s a problem. Approved. You can go to the guy at the top now. You’re gonna have to take the stairs though.” The woman at the table said, as an entrance to a staircase opened up out of the walls.
“How many stairs are there?” Krath asked.
“9,223,372,036,854,775,807 steps.” The employee responded.
“Is there any faster way up? Y’know, other than climbing the 64 bit integer limit?” Krath asked, trying to be hopeful about his options.
“You could sell me your soul for a shortcut. Here’s the contract, sign here.” The employee at the table says, tapping on an empty signature box.
“Sure, whatever. At this point I have nothing to lose.” Krath said, while signing the document.
“Really? You folded that easily?” The employee asked.
“Yes really. That’s because I have infused 10 souls into my body, which means you only own 10% equity in my total soul assets. Now what’s the shortcut?” Krath said rather confidently
“Can’t say that's the first time it's happened. Oh well, anyways. Go through the other door.” The woman said in a casual way, as once another entrance opened up, this time to a much shorter staircase.
Despite that, it was still a rather long staircase. Fortunately, the gravity inside of the room had apparently been turned off, allowing for easier travel. Krath jumped as hard as he could, and hit the roof. Trying once again, Krath actually managed to get a working trajectory. The stairs appeared to blur as he was going rather quickly through the hall. Slowly, he could see the door at the end come closer and closer to him. Eventually, he made it to the top, hitting his head against the door in the same place he had hit it in the first attempt. Upon his head coming into contact with the door, it disappeared, letting him fly through. In the room gravity returned, and he fell to the ground.
“Krath, is it? Get over here.” A man in a suit said, standing next to a bar stool.
“Who are you?” Krath said, making his way to the bar in what seemed to be a mansion.
“All that will be answered. First, what do you know about this company? What do we actually do?” The man said while walking into the bar.
“I'm not really sure, to be honest.”
The man chuckled to himself a bit.
“Well, how about another question. You know about pataphysics right?” The man said, Krath nodding to his question.
“Well all the theories are true. We are in a narrative stack, and there is a narrator to this universe. On technical terms, we’re a massive narrative anomaly. In more understandable words, we are a massive plot hole, designed specifically for shits and giggles. Hell, this whole interview was a gag. The only reason we are where we are, is because we are favoured by the narrator. Let that sink in for a bit.” He said, grabbing two fancy glasses and a bottle of liquor from the bar.
“How reassuring.” Krath said in a sarcastic voice.
“Well I don’t work here to reassure. Anyways, I’m the administrator. I am this company.”
“Do you mean you own this company?” Krath asked.
“No. I am quite literally the company itself, I am the reason it is here. My real name is Kayden, and I am literally on the same narrative plane as the narrator. Don’t get confused, I don’t narrate. I’m just some guy who is acquainted with the narrator. Notice how I didn’t say friend there. He’s not familiar with those. Anyways I managed to bullshit this gag into existence, you'd better be thankful. This brings us to what you are going to do. We need to maintain the favor of the narrator, if we get too boring or not fun enough we’re either going to get deleted, or even worse, discontinued.” The administrator had just finished pouring the liquor into the glasses, on the rocks, and started walking back to the seat where he once was.
“I have many questions, but I have some strange feeling they aren’t going to get answered.” Krath said.
“You’d be right about that. One thing I can answer is that you are hired.” The administrator said, while Krath was sloshing his drink around slightly.
“Okay, what do I do?” Krath asked, slightly excited but evidently trying to hide it.
“Your lifelong career job will be to find anyone developing or using AI, and stop them. By AI I mean the techbro chatgpt kind, and by stop I will usually mean stab.” The administrator said, grabbing his drink and taking a seat.
“Why exactly?” Krath asked.
“Well we wouldn’t want the narrator to think that we support something that could take his future job now would we?” The administrator asked.
“No wonder the interview start button was so damn annoying.” Krath said, making a joke about the state of the company’s infrastructure.
“You’re right about that.”
The administrator raised his glass, and Krath followed.
“In the favour of god.” The administrator said.
“In the favour of god.” Krath affirmed.
A glass clink can be felt throughout idi0cy․inc voidspace.